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Kris the Iceman Cometh

God he totally looks like the guy who stocks the vegetables at the co-op near my house - total stoner - in his case it meant he used rocks a lot!

ALERT: HEY KRIS KRISTOFFERSON – THE STONE AGE CALLED – IT WANTS IT’S HEMP SHIRT BACK!

So there’s this Iceman that scientists have found recently.

They named him Oetzi (pronounced: Fred Flint-stone)

Evidently he was lactose intolerant (I guess they poured milk all over his stomach cavity and he didn’t digest it)

….but what catches my attention while I read this very interesting article is that HE HAD HEART DISEASE!!!!

I believe he did not eat refined foods. No bread, no sugar, no alcohol.

He chased or was chased by animals, and he ate plants and animals after he hit the said animals over the head (while they were napping).

So all the dieticians today are wrong…wrong…WRONG!

And it feels kind of prehistoric to eat the Haagen Dazs ice cream pint from beginning to end.

Of course, the subtext is that they found this Iceman guy cuz the ice MELTED enough for him to be found. (global warming??)

Also, he had brown hair and eyes, they have discovered in their analysis.

And he liked long walks by the lake as well as quiet evenings at home (i.e. – in the cave where he could show off his drawings on the cave walls of bison with stick icemen chasing them).

Yeah, life was tough for these people, people!

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So my nine year old son and I go to see the movie “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island”

Kind of weird, I don’t remember a “Journey 1” but I guess (thru imdb) that it refers to:

Journey to the Center of the Earth – a 2008 3D adventure film starring Brendan Fraser

Also, I thought it was “Journey To The Mysterious Island” which it is not.

Anyway, we get to the theatre for a matinee…still running at $6.50 even though we are – I look around – the only people there….

OK, so at the ticket counter the lady behind the thick bullet proof glass speaks thru her microphone…”Three or Two Dee?”

My nine year old son who is terminally shy and quiet pipes up with –

THREE DEE…THREE DEE….DAD…..THREE DEE…..

I hear –

MAYDAY….MAYDAY….MAYDAY…..

….Because I am about to be gouged for the first time that day, excluding when I filled up my gas tank of my 2010 Chevrolet Impala with Sirius XM radio

Before I can say

NO

She sells me 2 tickets to the 3D Matinee, $14 each.

G-O-U-G-E………O-U-C-H

I put out a contract on her in my imagination

Garroting, like what happened to Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

‘You will sleep with the fishes’ I think as I give her one last unapproving stare, the kind my dad used to give me when I asked him the difference between a slotted and a phillips screwdriver.

and my son and I move into the theatre lobby. We are conveniently roped toward the concessions, and of course my never-met-a-piece-of-candy-he-didn’t-like son runs up and orders.

Let’s see, how can I explain what happened next?

Alright-got it-:

So it’s 1932, I am a teller at a small Midwestern Bank. I wear a white and black vertical striped shirt and wear a visor on my head.

The bank manager is puffing on his cigar in his office. His name is Mr. Peterpepper.

I am happy to have a job in this crummy small Midwestern town.

Suddenly, Ma Barker comes in. She points a Tommy Gun right in my face. She yells: STICK EM UP – FELLA!

And I give her all the money without a fight.

Mr. Peterpepper has a wet spot in the front of his pants when he comes out from under his desk.

That’s kind of how I felt when my son got a bag of Skittles, a hot dog, and a small Sprite. I got a soft pretzel and a small Diet Coke.

Thirty bucks later we are in the movie.

Jack eats the Skittles and says he’s not hungry for the hotdog anymore. He doesn’t like how it tastes.

Surprise….the hotdog had been revolving on this meat turning machine I think since the night before and it was all shriveled up – looking like an Egyptian Mummy’s male part, if you know what I mean. Not that I’ve ever seen one.

Ninety eight nap fun filled minutes later we leave the theatre.

“It wasn’t that good” Jackson says.

I give him a look like my dad gives me now when he doesn’t wear his hearing aid…less shame…more ‘Huh?’

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All the hallmarks of a successful marriage (one of them will be dead before the tree dries up)...MERRY CHRISTMAS...Oh Daddy...was it like this when Jesus was born? Cuz like...you were there, right?

So my son asked me how old I was going to be when he turned 18 (60 years old, btw) and I immediately thought of former living person Anna Nicole Smith.

Anna Nicole Smith – was, as you know, married (her second marriage btw-I guess the first guy was too young) to oil business mogul and non-mobile feeb J. Howard Marshall, 62 years her senior.

People speculated that she married him for his money, which she denied, because why would a silicone bimbo with no means of income want to be with a rich guy who has dirt on his one foot that is in the grave?

After he deep sixed, she sued his estate to get all of his cash, but then she died on February 8, 2007 in a Hollywood, Florida hotel room as a result of an overdose of prescription drugs.

Oops.

James Howard Marshall II was an American businessman, university professor, attorney, federal government official, and feeb husband to Anna Nicole Smith during the last 14 months of his life. His estate became the subject of protracted litigation because Anna wanted her dead sugar daddy’s money to support her drug fueled lavish lifestyle. His life spanned MORE than nine decades and almost the entire history of the oil industry. That’s a lot!

When he was born, the dinosaurs were still decomposing.

And he was born in Pennsylvania a long time ago (hint: The United States were still referred to as “The Colonies”), almost right after the first Thanksgiving, and he attended a private high school and then studied liberal arts at some old college, graduating in 1926…NINETEEN TWENTY SIX!!!!!

He graduated Magna Cum Laude from Yale Law School in 1931, the last recorded time he came anywhere.

Then he was an Assistant Dean at Yale Law School and at the same time, he got a scholarship as a member of the Children of the Mayflower society…legal realist school of thought (huh?), working with future Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas on an article entitled A Factual Study of Bankruptcy Administration and Some Suggestions (ie major dork)..then he became the Assistant Solicitor at the Department of Interior and authored the Connally Hot Oil Act of 1935……

BLAH BLAH BLAH ACHIEVEMENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND SUCCESS…..

He was married a few times and enjoyed lemonade with his petticoat dressed umbrella carrying wives, strolling with them down Main Street hand in hand while listening to barbershop quartets singing “On Moonlight Bay” and “Sweet Adeline”. But in 1994, at the age of 89, he married 26-year-old model Anna Nicole Smith. Their marriage lasted fourteen months until his death.

Marshall died of natural causes (defined as: a naturally feathered down pillow found naturally stuffed down his throat, complete with nipple and breast marks obviously caused by some naturally hard silicone like substance pressing against it) in Houston, Texas on August 4, 1995.

Following Marshall’s death, Anna Nicole Smith (who died on February 8, 2007) became involved in a court battle with her former stepson, another older guy named E. Pierce Marshall (who died on June 20, 2006).

Everyone is dead now.

So what kind of a dad would this fossil have been to his kids had he lived?

A SLOW MOVING ONE

….let me call you sweetheart **

**the above words sung under the light of the moon at the turn of the 1900′s, at a carnival with some guys and gals, eating popcorn and saying words like GOLLY!

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taste some of the sweet drool coming off the beast while he ravishes you ladies like you were a HOT HOAGIE...nummy num newt drop.......

So Newt Gingrich told one of his many wives he wanted an open marriage cuz I guess he thinks he’s some kind of hottie.

Imagine that huge toad, ladies….close your eyes and dream BIG while imagining this……imagine that heavy lizard leaning over you, whispering sweet newt-isms like “I AM a big thinker, aren’t I? ….Who’s your BIG THINKER……..SAY IT!”

You’d maybe want an open marriage too, right?

I’m talking about having other options other than being “skinned” by a reptile…….

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This is the color of my hardwood floor, my kitchen tiles, my bathtub edge, a couple of blankets, some shirts, pants, the tips of my workshoes and my little boys hair.......

All the children are vomiting all thru the home……

Its the middle of winter and I have lost my comb…..

LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!!!!! HERE COMES SOME MORE!!

OH! DYLAN OH JACKSON…..ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!!

It doesn’t last forever, and this thing is true…..

…..DONT TOUCH THOSE LITTLE KIDS OR YOU’LL GET THE FLU TOO!!!!

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Make sure you get it right when describing your wife's figure..........or you might get hit with a metallic sled ornament with sharp edges on it.

Tactical error on one of those half listening to things where I am watching television and she is on Frontierville or some VILLE BY ZYNGA…..and we nod and grunt at each other,

but this time she asks a question (must have read one of the blogs of the Real Housewives of MENOPAUSE MANOR) that mattered. I did not pay attention as usual for once and dodged a Christmas tree ornament (A little METAL SLED WITH SHARP EDGES) after I said what I said, and then after that I followed what I said with “We should take the tree down.”

Which also didn’t go over well.

And I said -

“What? It’s like mid January. We have to put up our Presidents Day ornaments!”

We have a JFK in a black convertible limo toy car we place on a coffee table in the livingroom..

its one where JFK is leaning forward after he has his head blown off and it has a little ‘Jackie O’ doll dressed in pink that is leaning over him -

- you used to push a button on the top of the limo and hear four shots –

…I know, but I think one came from the grassy knoll – but ever since two year old Dylan found it last year, it hasn’t worked. Which sucks.

Anyway, note to self….PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WIVES PEOPLE!!!!

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Can you see the pedestrian walking around before sunrise? NEITHER CAN I !!

So I’m like celebrating the winter equinox cuz it means that the days now will get longer, but I am driving west at 6:28am to work and it is PITCH BLACK…

…not that it stopped some numb nuts guy from crossing the road during HIS morning hike around lake CALHOUN.

He had on a black knit hat, black jacket black pants and let’s see…umm…oh yeah…his boots were black also. And he had black gloves on.

I observed this later.

Like I said….numb nuts.

I drive around the lake as part of my pleasant morning drive to work.

Anyway, so this guy JAYWALKS across the street right where its the darkest – on his way back to his BLACK SEDAN and I almost hit him.

I slammed on the brakes of my 2010 Chevrolet Impala with Sirius XM radio….I listen to POTUS (Politics Of The United States) radio in the morning, channel 124.

He jumped out of my way and stood against his back on his very dark car -

and gives me the finger.

THE FINGER!

And I rolled down my power window and asked “WHAT?”

“YOU COULD’VE KILLED ME!” he said all mad-like.

“EXACTLY!” I say…”They already killed Bin Laden….so go home Sergeant BLACK OPS!”

“DUCK YOU!” He said.

Except it wasn’t the word ‘DUCK’ that he used.

“YOU’RE WELCOME!” I yelled back at him, thinking how lucky he was to be alive.

Of course, I was lucky, too.

If I would’ve hit him, I would have been late for work.

Some people.

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Who is that trying to get inside me?

CLICK ON ABOVE PHOTO TO ZOOM IN ON IT…..

SO I am recovering from gallbladder surgery and went to my person who does massage therapy and biofeedback readings off my body.

I hadn’t told her about the gallbladder surgery yet. This point is important because -

- as soon as she hooked me up to the equipment she went:

“WHOA!”

and then asked me this question:

“Where have you been lately?”

and then I asked:

“Why?”

then she said:

“Cuz it looks like there is an angry entity that has entered your body…”

I said:

“I was at the hospital in the ER then I went to surgery for emergency gallbladder removal. I had stones and stuff.”

She said:

“That makes sense. Sometimes in the ER, when someone dies, especially in a trauma, they are lost and try to regain entrance into another persons body. This spirit is angry, that’s why he is RED.”

Then she showed me the above image….

IT LOOKS LIKE THERE IS A PERSON TRYING TO ENTER MY BODY THROUGH MY GALLBLADDER!!!!

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My son performed a circus balancing trick by stacking 14 plastic cups - a trick that is much safer than being a lion tamer at a circus

So my 9 year old was bored and decided to stack a bunch of plastic cups WAY HIGH ….higher than he was tall.

And he said “Its like a circus trick, dad.”

And I thought…’Not really, but okay.’

AND I SAID “Well, I’d rather have you do that than be a lion tamer, Jack.”

And he asked why.

So I told him that a few months ago, there was this lion tamer who was brutally mauled by a lion.

Stupid Lion Tamer gets owned by the mighty lion who is sick of getting POKED WITH A CHAIR AND TORMENTED.

They ‘HAD TO’ put the lion down (ie KILL) because he was obviously wild and vicious…….JUST LIKE A WILD LION WOULD BE (wtf?!?!?)

SO I can see how that went down

The guy had this lion in front of him, *SNAPPED* his whip a few times….

and poked and poked and poked and POKED A CHAIR AT THE LION OVER AND OVER WHILE SAYING “C’MON….BRING IT!!!!”

until the lion thought ‘BLOW ME’

BLOW ME said the mighty lion as he ripped the guys face off.....

and slashed his mighty lion paws across the tamers stupid face, ripping all the skin off, exposing his facial muscles, and then—

PINNED THE STUPID TAMER DOWN, repeatedly chewing on his torso, SLASHING AT HIM, SPITTING OUT STUPID TAMER PARTS

all while the mommies and daddies covered their childrens faces to prevent psychological damage….but yet stared in complete HORROR AND A LITTLE BIT of curiousity as the tamer himself was in LITTLE BITS…….

GOOD PARENTING TIP: I told my son to never be a lion tamer when he grows up so he doesn't get mauled by an angry lion like this guy did

“And that is why I do NOT want you to be a lion tamer, Jack.” I said after completing this terrible tale of the lion and the tamer.

“Works for me.” he said and went downstairs to watch the Green Bay Packers rip apart the Detroit Lions.

R-O-A-R!

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